


Black Ice

by whiskeynwings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Blood Kink, Bottom!Cas, Crazy Dean Winchester, Dark Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, Dubious Consent, Erotophonophilia, Gen, Human! Cas, Hybristophilia, Jealousy, Kidnapping, M/M, Manipulation, Manipulative Castiel, Masochism, Murder, Needy Castiel, Obsession, Phygephilia, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sadism, Sex, Stalker Dean, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, Witness Protection, extreame codependancy, possesivness, serial killer! Dean, top!dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-24 16:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3775696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskeynwings/pseuds/whiskeynwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Novak lived a very peaceful, happy life. He taught history at the local high school and took vacations with his boyfriend almost every weekend and break he got from school. He paid taxes and owned stock in Apple. Needless to say, he lived a very easy and normal life. One very different from that of Castiel Milton. Who was placed in Witness Protection after turning in his long time boyfriend Dean Winchester for murder. Castiel now lives a perfectly normal life, he's graduated high school, and goes home to a sexy British lover at night. His life is good.....Until Dean breaks out of prison. Castiel belongs to him and him alone. If He can't have Cas no one can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro-Lude

**Author's Note:**

> I have never seen this done and my sister gave me the idea. I really want to go with it. Everything that happens is tagged so if any of that bothers you or makes you uncomfortable please don't read this. It is very dark and very twisted.
> 
> Dean is 36. He was arrested at 17  
> Cas is 34 but he looks young for his age, probably in his late 20s. Is how young he looks.   
> They met in elementary school.

_Cas groaned as Dean fucked into him hard and fast. He didn’t mind that Dean wasn’t being gentle. He loved being man handled. They were in the middle of no where, settled down in the back seat of his Impala, clothes scattered everywhere, fucking against the leather seats._

__

_“Ah...damnit Cas,” Dean groaned as Cas nipped the sensitive spot under Dean’s ear. Cas’s stomach was tightening, his muscles flexed and he was riding on the edge._

__

_Dean stopped, pulling out of Cas and sitting back on his heels. Cas squirmed, lifting his hips and biting his lip. He felt cold and empty, teetering on the edge of blissful pleasure. Dean reached forward and grabbed his hands, intertwining their fingers together. He stared at Cas, eyes wide, hair disheveled, lips swollen and red. He pulled the smaller boy up. “C’mere. I wanna show you something,” Cas followed Dean out of the car, shivering in the cool night air. Dean wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulder, pulling him into his side. “You love me?” Dean asked, his voice low and husky. Cas nodded, kissing his chin._

__

_“Of course.” Dean smiled, it was a wide, slightly crazed smile. It made Cas uneasy. Dean went around to the driver’s side of the car and turned on the headlights. Cas gave him a questioning look, Dean shook his head pointing up. Cas followed Dean’s hand, his heart dropping into his stomach._

__

_The man was dead. That was for sure. His face was bloody and a large hole stood out, glistening with drying blood on his chest. Cas covered his mouth with his hand and stumbled back into Dean. Dean reached out, placing his hands on Cas’s shoulders. He kissed the side of Cas’s neck._

__

_“It felt good Cas….Like I was in control. Finally.” he peppered kisses on the frightened boy’s neck and shoulder blades. “he had money too...enough for me to buy you that ring.” Cas shivered, trying to swallow down his fear. Dean turned him in his arms and Cas tried his best to smile when Dean kissed him. “It felt so good Cas….” Cas felt Dean against his leg, his cock growing and becoming more aroused as Dean remembered killing the poor man. Dean curled his fingers, digging into Cas’s hips. He kissed him again chastely. “You tell anyone and I’ll fucking kill you.” Cas nodded, his lips twitching. Dean seemed satisfied and led Cas back to the car._

__

_Dean came quickly, Cas did not._

-0-

Jimmy groaned and rolled over onto his side, curling around his boyfriend Balthazar. Balthazar stroked his back, up and down his sides with the tips of his fingers. Jimmy buried his face in Balthazar’s neck, kissing the Brit lightly.

“What time is it?” Balthazar’s voice was low and hoarse, from loud fucking the night before and deep rest. Jimmy shrugged and lifted his head to glance at the clock on the mantle. His blue eyes flickered from the clock to Balthazar’s resting face.

“Seven fifteen,” he leaned over, kissing his boyfriend sensually. Balthazar’s hands slid down Jimmy’s back to cup his ass cheeks, pulling him over to straddle Balthazar’s hips and swelling cock. He pulled Jimmy, grinding them against each other, skin on skin, Jimmy gasped, resting his forehead against Balthazar’s. “We got time for an early morning fuck.” Balthazar smiled, rolling Jimmy over and sliding into his still wet and easy hole.

James Novak lived a very peaceful, happy life. He taught history at the local high school and took vacations with his boyfriend almost every weekend and break he got from school. He paid taxes and owned stock in Apple. Needless to say, he lived a very easy and normal life.

One very different from that of Castiel Milton.

The day Cas told the police about what Dean had done he’d been put into witness protection. He and his family were given false names and sent away from Lawrence, Kansas. For years Cas was haunted by Dean, always looking over his shoulder, waiting for the blood thirsty killer to come after him….Then there were the days when he just missed Dean. As evil as he had been, he could be sweet. The way he’d cared about his little brother, protecting him from their father’s drunken rage, and the gentle loving way he handled Cas at times….Some days Cas would curl up in bed and bury his face in the blankets, waiting for the longing to go away. Dean had been his first boyfriend, his first everything. And as much as he hated it he couldn’t forget him.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t move on.

He’d met Balthazar in College. He came off as a player, totally suave and silky, but he’d captured Cas with his sweet words and thoughtful actions. They’d been together for five years and every day Cas found himself missing Dean less and less. If Balthazar was the cure for his former lover, he would keep him forever.

“I’m going to be late tonight. Zachariah wants me to work some overtime at the office,” Balthazar was rushing around after their morning fuck, throwing his tie on backwards and putting his shoes on the wrong feet. Jimmy had the day off, as did the rest of the school, he lounged back in bed, giggling as he watched his boyfriend rush around. “God the things you do to me,” Jimmy giggled again and leaned forward, holding his hand out. Balthazar came to him eagerly, taking his hand, Jimmy pulled him down for a gentle kiss.

“Just come home okay,” he mumbled against his boyfriend’s lips. Balthazar winked.

“I always do. Love you,” he kissed Jimmy again and rushed out the door. Jimmy jumped as Balthazar slammed the front door and fell back down into bed.

-0-

The sirens were blaring and the guard dogs were barking. Dean scrambled under the fence and ran as fast as he could. The chains on his wrists and ankles slowed him, but he was able to slip away undetected. The riot behind him was still raging, who knew how many inmates and guards were being killed. He felt himself swelling and forced himself to think disgusting thoughts. He needed to focus. Adrenaline pumped through him. He had finally escaped.

Lawrence was five miles away on foot. If he took the back roads he could get there by sun down. After that he would pay his father a little visit. He’d been waiting to see that bastard for nineteen years. Their reunion was long over due. Once he finished with Dad he would find Sam, and Sam would help him find Cas.

Cas.

His heart squeezed in his chest, he shoved the feelings down into the pit of his stomach. Cas was the reason he got sent away. He’d trusted Cas and had been betrayed. He remembered the look in Cas’s eyes when he testified against Dean. The tears that slid down his cheeks and played so easily to the jury. Dean was sent away for life because of Cas. The very person he love most in the world had destroyed him.

He made his way to town, slipping into the woods near the prison and moving quietly, as though there were guards still surrounding him. His green eyes were wide and alert, determined. He would find Cas. And he would break Cas. Because he loved him. he loved Castiel Milton so much he wanted to destroy him. Tear him to pieces and recreate him again.

And that was exactly what he planned to do.

-0-

Jimmy was still in bed when his phone rang at noon. He smiled, thinking it was Balthazar calling to see how his day was. He reached over and grabbed it, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. He cleared his throat and pressed answer.

“Hello?”

“Cas?” Cas rubbed his eyes and felt his heart jerk at the voice. it was his brother Gabriel. Gabriel was in Wisconsin, having moved there after they’d been placed in witness protection.

“Gabe...Hey what is-”

“Dean broke out of prison.” Cas’s blood ran cold. Everything happened in slow motion, he took a sharp breath and the phone slipped from his fingers, falling to the ground. Dean was out of jail. That meant he could come for him now.

Cas leaned over and snatched the phone up, noting the crack across the screen but paying no mind to it. “What do you mean he broke out?! He was in maximum security!” cas felt panic rising and his voice got higher. He looked around his cozy little home frantically. He was finally getting back to normal, really starting to enjoy life. But Dean wouldn’t let him have that. Of course he couldn’t have that. Dean can’t either. Cas shook the thought from his head, breathing hard. “Gabe what’s-”

“Calm down Cas. I’m coming for you. I got a plane booked for tomorrow morning. In the mean time you need to pack. We’re leaving the country for a while. All of us. Michael is on his way over here now and Hannah is already on her way to you.” Cas nodded, licking his lips nervously.

“What do I tell Balthazar? He-he doesn’t know anything about-”

  
“Tell him we’re going to a family get together or something. Make something up Cas, we don’t have a lot of time. You know that bastard is resourceful as fuck. Just pack, put in your two weeks at work and be ready when I get there.” Cas swallowed hard. His whole world crumbling around him.


	2. Bend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Several things happen in this chapter. One big thing that happens will be addressed later on and Sam will realize it. If anything in the tags bothers you please don't read it.

_“Dean? Baby?” Cas approached the other boy carefully. Dean was hunched over in the corner of , knees to chest, arms wrapped around himself. Cas knew that John had done this. John physically abused both his boys when he was drunk, but he took more of his anger out on Dean, who shielded Sam and covered for him if he ever screwed up. This current bout of abuse, spouted because Dean had shattered something of his mother’s accidentally. Sam and Dean’s mother passed away when they were babies. Everything that belonged to her was sacred, and breaking something of hers was taboo. John had beat Dean senseless for it._

__

_Cas fell to his knees beside his boyfriend and reached out, wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder. Dean shook violently, soft sobs escaping his lips. Cas rubbed his back and rocked him, trying to soothe him. He started singing, softly, barely above a whisper in Dean’s ear. He sang the song that was playing when they shared their first kiss. It was their song. And Cas felt Dean relaxing against him._

__

_“Kinda late in the game, and my heart is in your hands, don’t you stand there and then, tell me you love me then leave me again, cuz I’m falling in love with you again.” Dean turned his head, burying his face in Cas’s neck. Wet tears and soft lips pressed against Cas’s skin. He moaned softly, opening his body up for Dean willingly. Dean could have him whenever and however he wanted. Cas was his. Forever. Dean’s blunt nails dug into the back of Cas’s shirt, digging and twisting in the soft fabric._

__

_“C-Cas….You can’t leave me. Promise me. Swear it. You’ll never, ever leave me.” in the back of Cas’s mind he knew the words were dangerous, could be construed as abusive, manipulative behavior. But in that moment he didn’t see it like that. He saw his boyfriend, broken and scared. He kissed Dean’s hair._

__

_“I won’t leave you Dean. I promise.” he captured Dean’s lips in a searing kiss._

-0-

“Alright thank you John,” the older man shook John Winchester’s hand and got into the driver’s side of his car. John owned Winchester Auto, the most popular mechanic in town, he made quite a bit of money and had done very well for himself. Dean was leaning against a car across the street, arms crossed over his broad chest, sunglasses on and legs crossed at the ankles.

He’d managed to mug a local drunk that was around his size, a bit bigger, but his clothes still fit Dean. A white button up and black slacks, he left the man beaten and naked in an alley, the chains that had been wrapped around Dean were cuffed to the drunk he had mugged. He felt no sympathy, if you were an easy target he would take advantage.

His eyes narrowed and anger swelled in his chest as he watched his father, grinning, and walking back into the office. It wasn’t fair that he got to be happy and live life, when he was part of the reason Dean had been put away. If John had not beaten and controlled him, he would have never killed that first man.

The sun was going down and John flipped the open sign to closed in the front window. Dean fingered the gun he’d managed to steal, hidden under his shirt, and strode across the street to the auto shop, looking both ways to make sure not to many people were around. It could have been a ghost town. Only the occasional car or pedestrian.

“Sorry we’re closed.” John was behind his desk, counting out the money he’d made that day. Quite a bit of cash, strewn out over his desk. Dean stood quietly, waiting for his father to look up. A rush of course pleasure filled him at the horror in his father’s face. He looked at Dean with wide eyes, his face paled. Dean cocked his head to the side.

“What’s the matter John? Look like you’ve seen a ghost.” John backed up into opposite wall, breath coming out in short gasps. His eyes narrowed in accusation.

“You’re supposed to be in prison. What the hell are you doing here?” Dean shrugged, dragging his fingers over the wooden desk. John’s cautious eyes followed his son’s movements. An ex marine, he knew that the boy before him was an enemy, not his son. Dean gave him a taunting smile.

“Just thought I’d stop by and visit you Pop….I mean it has been nineteen years and I haven’t gotten so much as a birthday card from you.” he looked up at his father in anger. John shrank back, guilt flashing across his face. “You left me there to rot and moved on like I wasn’t even your son.” John swallowed hard, the noise was like a gunshot in the quiet, tension filled room. He was afraid, but he looked at his son cooly, trying to hide it.

“You act as though I did something wrong. You killed old man Jenks and you deserved to be there.” Dean whipped the gun out, clicking off the safety and aiming it at his father’s chest. John laughed. “What are you going to do with that boy? Besides make me angry?” Dean felt tears pushing forward behind his eyes, he blinked them away angrily.

“I was your son! You were supposed to defend me! Or at least support me! You disappeared! I never saw you and I barely saw Sam! In nineteen years all I could think about is how much I hate you,” he took a breath. His throat hurt from screaming. “And now I will kill you. With the greatest pleasure.” it was quiet again, only the sound of their ragged breathing as John sized Dean up, staring him down and gauging the seriousness of the situation.

“I loved you and Sam more than anything. You know that Dean Michael.” John took a step forward, raising his hand, holding it out to take the gun. A tear slid down Dean’s cheek, his hand shook as his finger flexed on the trigger. “My boy,” John whispered, grabbing the barrel of the gun slowly, trying not to startle his son, “put the gun down Dean I love you.” Dean blinked, lowering the gun, John sighed in relief. Too soon. Dean raised the gun again and shot John in the chest.

The kick was hard, pushing Dean back but he managed to stay on his feet. John fell back, sliding down the wall, his eyes wide with fear. He raised a bloodied hand once more. “Dean...please…” Dean shot him again. John’s hand dropped to the side, his eyes rolled and settled on the sign on the window that said ‘closed’. Dean took a deep breath, hot  blood pumping hard through his veins. He wiped his eyes and stared at his father’s body.

“No,” he whispered through gritted teeth. “You never loved me.”

-0-

“Hello Darling I’m….home,” Balthazar’s words trailed off as he entered the living room. Jimmy was sitting on the couch, rubbing his hand over his face. Balthazar set his bag on the floor and went to the couch, sitting next to Jimmy. “Baby? What’s wrong?” Jimmy broke down, turning to Balthazar and throwing his arms around him. He held his boyfriend tightly, rubbing his hands up and down his back, trying to soothe him. Balthazar didn’t know what had brought this on, why Jimmy was so upset, but he learned early on to let him have his break down and try to talk to him after. Jimmy calmed after a few minutes, sniffling and shaking against him. “What’s wrong?” Balthazar whispered in Jimmy’s ear. Jimmy pulled back, his eyelashes were wet and matted together, eyes puffy and red, glistening with tears, he looked like a child.

“Balthy I have to tell you something,” Balthazar straightened, afraid of what Jimmy needed to say. But he hid it with a sexy smirk.

“It can’t wait until you’ve welcomed me home?” he leaned in to kiss Jimmy, but he dodged Balthazar’s advance. Balthazar frowned. “It really is important….What is it Jimmy? You can tell me love.” Jimmy bit his lip, playing with the front of Balthazar’s shirt.

“My name isn’t Jimmy….” he looked up at Balthazar through wet lashes. Balthazar furrowed his brow confused.

“I don’t understand.” Jimmy sat back and explained. Telling Balthazar his real name was Castiel Milton and he had been placed in witness protection because of his ex boyfriend. For the first time in nineteen years Cas poured his heart out to someone who wasn’t family. He told Balthazar everything, from the testimony to Dean’s threat to kill him. He laid it all out. By the time he was finished speaking Balthazar looked as though he might be sick. Cas reached down and squeezed his boyfriend’s hand.

“I-I’m sorry I never told you Balthy but I couldn’t….I wasn’t allowed to.” Balthazar shook his head, offering a weak smile.

“It’s okay Cassy. It kinda makes sense now. The times you turned the tv off when there was a true crime story….and the nights when you whispered the name ‘Dean’ in your sleep.” Cas stiffened visibly, “Sometimes when you sleep you would say his name….I thought you were cheating on me,” Cas smirked, leaning forward to kiss Balthazar, trying to relax. Balthazar reciprocated the kiss willingly.

“I would never cheat on you,” Cas whispered against Balthazar’s lips. Balthazar smiled, kissing him again.

“I know...I’m too sexy,” they laughed, the atmosphere around them lightening.

“Come with me to Europe...Please….” Balthazar sighed and ran his fingers through Cas’s dark locks. Cas maneuvered himself so he was straddling Balthazar, neck crooked down and nose brushing his. “Please Balthazar….I need you there.” Balthazar’s hands slid down Cas’s back and over his thighs as his lips quirked up into an easy smile.

“To Hell with Zachariah.”

-0-

Sam shut the tv off and stretched. His wife and daughter had long since gone to bed. He had work early in the morning but liked to stay up and watch the news before bed. He stood from the couch, aches shooting through his back, he made his way down the hall to his daughter’s room, deciding to check on her before he laid down.

He poked his head through the door, a shaft of moonlight shone through the window. His daughter, Mary, lay on her back, fingers curled in her hair, arm wrapped loosely around her teddy. He smiled.

“Cute kid.” he jumped, a startle sound bubbling up from his throat. He was slammed back into the wall outside Mary’s room, a rough hand placed over his mouth and a knife poised at his throat. Sam’s body froze, his heart beating fast. He prayed Mary wouldn’t wake up and that Jess wouldn’t come out. “She looks just like you Sammy.” Sam’s eyes widened in recognition. The green eyes that glowed dangerously before him were that of his brother. His brother who should have been in jail. Dean grinned, white teeth shining in the dark as he pulled his hand away.

“Dean?” Sam gasped in surprise. Dean stepped back, holding his arms out and winking.

“Surprise.” He looked bigger, more muscular, but his eyes were colder. There was no light or happiness in them. The years in prison had been hard on him. His face was blank and his body language was dangerous. But Sam still felt a rush of happiness to see his brother.

“What are you doing here?” Sam looked down the hall, making sure Jess couldn’t hear him. Dean clapped him on the shoulder, squeezing sharply.

“Hoping you could do your big bro a favor.”

“Did you bust out? Dean-”

“Forget about all that Sammy. I need your help. Now are you going to help me or not?” Dean’s voice was lowered, a warning tone that told Sam not to fuck with him. Sam felt his muscles tense, his shoulders hunching in submission to his brother. Dean had protected and sheltered him growing up. He owed his brother.

“What do you need?” Dean smiled again.

“I need to find Cas.” Sam’s stomach flipped uneasily. Sam had handled Cas’s family’s protection unit. Helping give them identities and he knew where they were located. He shook his head in refusal. He would help Dean with whatever he wanted. But he couldn’t give his brother Cas.

“No...Dean I can’t give you that information. It’s privileged….If I tell you I could loose my job.” Dean nodded, sucking his teeth and looking down at the knife in his hand. He twirled it around in his fingers. Sam’s eyes flickered to the knife and back to his brother’s face.

“Sammy I need your help….After everything I did for you. All the beatings and ass whippings I took for you….I’m not gonna hurt him i swear. I just wanna talk,” the voice in the back of Sam’s mind screamed for him not to say anything. Cas had trusted him. Cas’s family had trusted him. But when he looked at Dean he saw the hurt and betrayal. The unspoken question in his face; are you gonna betray me the same way Cas did? Sam shook his head, betraying his gut instead of his brother.

“Alright man here’s what I know…”

-0-

Cas didn’t sleep well that night. He tossed and turned, hoping the authorities would catch Dean. Balthazar had been unbelievably cool and supportive about the whole thing. Cas snuggled closer to him, feeling so blessed to have such a wonderful boyfriend. But he was worried. Dean was the jealous type, that had always been apparent and evident when they were dating. If he ever found out Cas was with Balthazar….He shuddered to think what might happen.

The alarm went off at six a.m. Too early, Cas groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow. Balthazar reached out and stroked his cheek. “get up Cassy. Gotta get a bath before we meet Gabe at the airport.” Cas shifted again, following Balthazar out of bed. He stretched and sighed at the feeling of cool hardwood under his bare feet. Their bags were packed and set by the door. “I’ll start the shower….You make sure that we’ve got everything we need okay?” Balthazar kissed Cas’s forehead and turned to the bathroom. Cas threw on his bathrobe and padded out to the living room.

He looked over his shoulder, the shower was running, but sometimes Balthazar liked to sneak up on him. Cas went to the bookcase and pulled out The Great Gatsby, a favorite of his, he and Dean had read it together in school. he flipped through the book to a page that was marked by a picture.

It was a picture of him and Dean. His favorite picture and the only one he had in fact.

Cas was cooking something, standing in front of a stove, mixing something in the saucepan. Dean was pressed up behind him, arms wrapped around Cas’s waist and chin on his shoulder, he was whispering something, Cas couldn’t remember, but it made him grin. Sam had snapped that picture.

Cas’s lips twitched up into a sad smile. It was those moments he couldn’t let go of. The times when Dean had been so loving and gentle with him. He really thought they could spend their lives together, grow old and just be with one another. His vision blurred with tears as he tucked the secret picture into the front of his suitcase. He never went anywhere without it. As morbid and sick as it sounded. He just loved that picture.

A sudden knock on the door startled him and he looked up at the clock confused. The taxi wasn’t supposed to be there for another half hour. He shrugged the thought out of his mind, deciding to answer it anyway. Another series of hard knocks came as Cas straightened his bathrobe.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” he grumbled annoyed as he went to the door, yanking it open. His heart stopped in his chest and his breath rushed out. He felt like he may vomit.

  
Dean gave him a wicked grin, eyes trailing over Cas’s body. “hey there. Long time no see.” He shoved his way into Cas’s apartment.


	3. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a rape and murder scene in this chapter.

Cas swallowed hard, fear gripping him tightly. Dean stalked towards him slowly, as though Cas was prey. "You look good Cas....Nineteen years and you're still....god you're so beautiful." Cas backed into the couch, reaching back to catch himself so he didn't fall. Dean chuckled, crowding into his personal space. His breath fanned over Cas's face, light and cool. He smelled of old spice and whiskey. Cas leaned forward on instinct, Dean smirked, happy he still had an effect on the blue eyed angel.

"D-Dean I-" Dean reached up and stroked Cas's cheek with the back of his hand tauntingly. Purposefully trying to make the smaller man scared. It worked, goose pimples peppered Cas's skin.

"Nineteen years...." Dean's voice was a low growl, "nineteen years I waited for you to change your mind. To come back and demand I be set free." Cas looked away with guilt. Dean kept his eyes on Cas's face. "I waited for you Cas. And you never came for me." His hand slid down Cas's face to wrap around his throat. Cas gasped, eyes growing in fear as Dean squeezed, choking off his air. "You said you loved me...you said you'd never leave me..." Dean gritted his teeth and growled. Cas's pupils dilated, he started to see black spots in front of his eyes.

"D-de-" Dean pressed harder, clenching his jaw. Cas's chest heaved, he tried to catch his breath, Dean wouldn't allow him.

_"You lied to me,"_ Dean roared, shoving Cas back, Cas stumbled, falling into the couch and hitting his forehead on the end table in front of it. He rolled over onto his stomach, trying to get away. Dean stepped forward and grabbed Cas's ankle, hooking his fingers around the small bone and tugging him back. "You aren't going anywhere. We have far too much to fucking discuss. And you better pray to God you got some good excuses." Cas grunted, twisting away and hopping up into his knee, only to be brought back down again.

Dean got on the floor and pulled Cas under him. He straddled Cas's hips and pinned his hands above his head. Cas bucked and writhed, trying to get away. He could feel Dean getting hard, pressing against his stomach. That scared him. Dean was getting off on this. Cas looked up into his ex's eyes. They were devoid of warmth or love. There was nothing there. Cas felt a twinge of guilt. Dean leaned down and nuzzled Cas's neck, breathing deeply, he whispered in Cas's ear. "You are mine. You've always been mine. You understand me?" He tightened his grip on Cas's wrists until he was nodding furiously. Dean sat back satisfied.

"Cassy why are you-" Cas wanted to smack himself. Dean's head shot up, he growled territorially, a spark of jealousy rushed across his facial features. Cas knew that look very well. Balthazar paled visibly, standing in nothing but a bath towel. Dean's eyes flickered from Cas to Balthazar and back again.

"Who the fuck is this?" Dean snarled. Balthazar raised his hands, stepping slowly out of the bedroom. Dean kept his eyes on him. Watching his every movement.

"Easy there. I'm a...I'm a friend of Cas-"

"You're fucking him?!" Cas flinched at Dean's tone as he snapped back to him. Dean shifted, holding Cas's hands with one hand, with the other he grabbed Cas's jaw roughly, tilting his face up. Cas looked into Dean's green orbs with fear. "You're fucking him?!" Dean repeated the question angrily. Cas licked his lips, his mind racing, tears threatening to spill. Dean was bigger than him, his back hurt and his wrists felt as though they may snap. Cas kicked his foot and Dean gave a warning growl.

"You were gone Dean...For good I-"

"That's no fucking excuse! I told you once and I'll tell you again. You belong to me. I'm the only one for you Cas. I love you so much." Cas recognized the flash of hurt and pain he saw in Dean's eyes. Dean really had been waiting for him. Remorse filled his stomach, he looked away, suddenly ashamed and angry with himself for sending Dean away. Even though, rationally, he knew Dean did something wrong and he had done the right thing turning him in.

"How could you do this to me Cas....I thought you loved me...." Dean's voice was softer. Tinged with pain. "I thought you just...you weren't allowed to talk to me...I never thought you..." Dean bit his lip, the hand holding Cas's wrists trembled. Balthazar shifted uncomfortably and a sad silence befell the three of them. Dean's head was bowed, his eyes shut tightly.

Everything happened too fast for Cas to react. One moment Dean looked as though someone had broken him, the next he pulled out a pistol, aimed it at Balthazar, and shot him, point blank in the chest.

Cas screamed as Balthazar fell, face first with a sickening thud. Dean's eyes were cold, his face unreadable as he roughly grabbed Cas, rolling him over onto his stomach and hiking up his bathrobe. Cas tried to fight back, pushing against Dean. Dean bared down on him, pushing Cas's face into the hard floor.

"You can make this easy or you can make it hard," Dean whispered huskily in his ear. Cas's vision blurred, Dean shoved his legs apart roughly, unzipping his pants and diving into Cas's hole with no prep. Cas hissed and bit his tongue, tears stinging his eyes.

"Fuck...still so fucking tight...agh..." Cas stared at Balthazar, lying, unmoving in a pool of his own blood as Dean fucked him. It hurt, but he ignored it, trying to think of something else. In his mind he was elsewhere.

He thought about his brother, probably landing at the airport and waiting for him in a terminal. Gabe would be excited Balthazar wanted to come, he hadn't met him yet. They would laugh and joke until they boarded the plane to Britain. There they would meet up with Michael and Hannah and they'd wait Dean out.

Dean came with an animalistic roar, thrusting into Cas hard. Cas felt Dean spilling into him, warmth spread through his lower abdomen and semen dripped down his thighs. Dean pulled Cas's head back by his hair, then shoved him forward. Cas lost consciousness as his head collided with the hardwood.

-0-

The phone was ringing somewhere in the distance. Sam nuzzled Jessica's hair, inhaling her scent deeply. She wriggled against him, giggling when he tickled her sides.

"Get up and get the phone," she shoved him playfully away from her. Sam leaned forward and kissed her cheek softly, reaching above his head for his cell.

"Hello," Sam sat up and rubbed his eyes. Jess laid her head in his stomach, throwing an arm around him. He ran his fingers through her hair.

"Sam Winchester?" He didn't recognize the voice. Fear crept up his spine.

"Speaking."

"This is Victor Henriksen. I work for the FBI. Are you aware your brother has broken out of prison." Sam swallowed, glad the officer couldn't see his face. Jess mouthed 'what's wrong.' Sam held up his hand.

"No I, ahem, I was not aware of that." He heard shuffling on the other end of the line and a grunt of acknowledgement.

"Are you aware your father, John Winchester has been murdered?" Sam took a sharp breath. He hadn't spoken to his father since he graduated and moved out. Mary, his daughter, hadn't even met him. But a sudden chilling realization settled over him. Dean had killed their father. He had murdered him and Sam had given him Cas's information. The link between the two? They both betrayed Dean. "Mr. Winchester? Are you there?" Sam shook his head and shifted again, sitting further up in bed.

"No...no I didn't."

"I see...Well we're gonna need you to come down to the local precinct. Answer a few questions, just the usual quick pro quo. Is that okay?" Sam pushed Jess off of him and climbed off the bed, padding towards the bathroom.

"I'm on my way."

-0-

Cas couldn't see anything. Something covered his eyes, pressing hard against his skull. His hands were above his head, something tight dug into his wrists, he felt the same material on his ankles. When he shifted they tightened. Soft fabric rubbed against his back and ass, making him painfully aware of the fact that he was nude. He tried to get a bearing on his surroundings, on what had happened, it came in flashbacks. Fear choked off his air supply and he took a shuddering breath as he remembered what had happened.

Dean had raped him. Balthazar was dead. And any semblance of a normal life he’d had was gone. His brother was probably looking for him, the cops would be on the hunt for Dean. And he was at the mercy of a psychotic murderer, who just happened to be his ex boyfriend. Cas felt sick. He tried to scream, but a sock and a rag had been put in and tied around his mouth.

"Don't struggle. You'll cut off the circulation to your wrists and ankles." He stiffened, biting down in the sock in his mouth. Dean's voice was steadied, low and close by. "If you be good I'll take the gag off. But only if you be good." Cas didn't make a sound. He felt Dean reach out, dragging his fingers in circles over Cas's calf. Cas shivered with disgust, a soft whimper escaping him. Dean chuckled, leaving his hand on Cas’s warm skin. “I thought about you Cas….I thought about you everyday. I fought to stay alive because I knew, I knew that when I got out you would be waiting for me.” he scoffed, “I thought you were forced to roll over on me, tell the cops what happened and they forced you to leave….I never thought for a second you would betray me.”

Cas felt tears in his eyes, he blinked against the blindfold. Dean’s voice had that little break in it that it used to get when he was truly hurt. And Cas felt guilty, because he was the one causing Dean’s pain. He was the reason Dean was hurting. He heard the scraping of a chair and felt Dean’s warm breath fan over his face. Fingertips caressed his face, traced his jawline and ran over his lips. Cas’s heart lept at the familiar touch. It’d been nineteen years since he felt those hands on him. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss the touch.

“You know I wanted to cry that day you were in court? You wouldn’t even look at me while you testified. You said your piece, got up and left.” Dean chuckled humorlessly, “I’ll tell ya that hurt more than anything. That felt like the biggest slap in the face. But I said to myself, I said, ‘Cas is doing what he was told to do. They’re making him talk. They threatened him or something.’ I never doubted you for a second….Cas I believed in you.” rough hands yanked the blindfold from Cas’s eyes and tore the gag from his mouth. Cas licked his lips and squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to the sudden change. Dean was sitting next to him in a chair. His hair was disheveled and his face drawn, reserved. Five o'clock shadow drawn down his jaw and above his plump lips, dark circles under his eyes. He looked worn down. Exhausted. And angry. Dean stared at cas for a long moment, green orbs tracing over Cas’s face, memorizing him all over again, his memory did the real Cas no justice.

“I-I never went a day...a day without thinking of you Dean…” Cas’s throat hurt and his voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat and tried to continue, Dean was dangerous, and could easily kill him if he wanted to. “I thought about you all the time Dean...I didn’t forget you. I never could-I just...I needed to move on.” Dean sat back, nodding his head and sucking his teeth, his eyes narrowed.

_“You had to move on?_ ” he mocked Cas’s tone, “So, in a sense, you did forget about me. You moved on and had your apple pie life while I rotted in prison. You didn’t give a damn about me,” he pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and held it up, dragging it over cas’s collarbone and over the soft flesh of his neck. Cas’s muscles tensed. “None of you gave a damn about me,” Dean’s voice was softer, the end of his sentence breaking off into a sad sob. His eyes were glassy as he fought back tears. “Cas, you and Sammy are the only people I have ever loved….And Sammy is the only one who loved me back,” Cas shook his head, fear licking at his insides like flames, the sharp edge of the knife pressed hard into Cas’s neck.

“No Dean, no. I love you Dean. I’ve always loved you. i’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Cas’s tone was higher, his words rushing out. He was frightened, scared that Dean really would kill him. In fight or flight situations Cas almost always fought. This was his life, and he didn’t want Dean to take it….Not in the way he’d taken Balthazar’s. Dean leaned over, his nose brushing over Cas’s. Cas thought he might go cross eyed staring at Dean. He licked his lips, Dean watched the movement with hunger in his eyes.

“I killed my father….Before I came to see you,” Cas didn’t look away, He knew Dean was testing him, he masked his horror easily, forcing it into the pit of his stomach, “Can you still l _ove_ me knowing that? Or do you think I’m more of a monster now?” Cas shook his head once more, nudging Dean’s nose with his own. His arms hurt and ached as he tried to lift his head.

“Y-You’re not a monster Dean….I love you Dean,” Cas would say whatever he had too, to stay alive. Dean’s lips twitched, curving into a small, shy smile, not unlike the ones he used to get when Cas called him cute.

“Say it again.” Dean’s voice was back to a low growl, Cas licked his lips.

“I love you Dean.” Dean pressed his mouth to Cas’s, slipping his tongue between his prisoner's lips.

  
“And don’t you ever fucking forget it.”


	4. Snap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took this chapter down and re edited it. Apparently there were similarities between this and another fic? Idk I never read the other fic so I wouldn't really know. But I don't want beef with other authors or drama so I took it down and rewrote the chapter. Hope you all still enjoy it. (And I hope no comparisons can be made this time, as this work is, has been, and will be, entirely my own. I don't copy other people's work because I don't want to be copied.)
> 
> This chapter is dark and very twisted at the end.

Dean pulled away from Cas abruptly. He stood and went to the other bed in the room, placing a large bag on the mattress. Cas twisted, wincing at the pain in his wrists when he moved.

"Did....Did you really kill John?" Dean stilled, his jaw going ridged. Cas shrank back against the pillows. Dean smiled sadistically.

"Yeah,yeah I did." He opened the gym bag and started pulling out various sharp instruments. "He was evil Cas...He was evil and he needed to go." Cas furrowed his brow. He didn't want to set Dean off, it was apparent his temper had not improved. But still.

"Dean I know he hurt you. I know he beat you and I-"

"That's not the half of it." Dean's eyes met Cas's with a detached calm. He didn't seem to feel any remorse for killing his father. It was, unsettling, to say the least. "You only know what I wanted you to know about him. John was a monster. He was a monster and the world is better off without him." He turned his attention back to his weapons, effectively ending the conversation. Dean looked up, locking eyes with Cas. “Cas just...it doesn’t matter. We have work to do.” Cas cocked his brow.

 

“What work?” Dean started polishing the weapons, placing them neatly on the bed.

“I’m not letting you go. No, I can’t let that happen again so you’re going to help me take down monsters….The real monsters that this trashy system lets walk free, after they’ve raped or murdered children and such. Old man Jenks and my father were the first monsters to go...And we got a lot more before we can retire.” Dean came back to Cas and sat on the edge of the bed, it dipped under his weight. He kept his hands to himself this time, they laid flat in his lap. The situation should have been awkward, Cas was completely naked but Dean seemed to have no desire for him whatsoever at this point. Cas swallowed thickly, and asked the question that was hanging in the air;

“My God Dean….What did John do to you?” Dean scoffed and reached up, wiping his eyes, he was a macho man and had always hated crying. He cleared his throat and adjusted his shirt.The silence dragged, Dean refused to answer Cas’s question. Cas clenched his fists, digging his nails into the flesh of his palms. Dean was unbelievable. Cas scoffed angrily. “You raped me...You killed Balthazar....and you don't think that makes you a monster? It's okay for you to take lives but if others do it they're in the wrong?" Cas glared at Dean, his nostrils flaring.

"That. Is on you." Dean turned and leaned over Cas, baring down on him. "Balthazar? His death is on your hands, not mine. You knew, you knew that you were mine. You betrayed me. You slept with him. I got rid of the competition. You knew the consequences, what would happen if you cheated on me."

"We're not together!" Cas shouted in Dean's face. Dean reached up and grabbed his jaw, squeezing so hard he thought it might bruise. His eyes were piercing and preditorial. He spoke in a low tone, it shook Cas to his core.

"You. Don't. Break up. With me," Cas lowered his eyes from Dean's, intimidated by the intensity. "Like I said, I'm gonna kill monsters. Evil people who don't deserve to live. And you will help me."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please," Cas whimpered, "please I love you Dean. I'm sorry." He felt Dean's hand on his cheek, his thumb brushing back and forth over his cheekbone.

"You're afraid of me." Dean's voice was quiet, shy and reserved. Cas looked at the wall over Dean's shoulder, refusing to look him in the eye. Dean's hair brushed Cas's neck as he laid his forehead against Cas's collarbone. "I don't want you to be afraid of me..." He peppered closed mouth kisses up the side of Cas's neck. Cas wanted to shiver, disgust rushing all through him. He barely held back. "Everyone else can be afraid of me. But not you. Please Cas," he whimpered, straddling Cas's hips once more. Cas but back a groan as Dean's clothes crotch rubbed against his naked one. "Cas I won't hurt you....I love you..."

Cas groaned when Dean rocked his hips forward. He pulled against the restraints, body arching against his will. Dean felt good against him. "I'll undo the restraints," Dean whispered, brushing his lips against Cas's lightly. "I'll undo the restraints if you swear to me you won't run." Dean pulled his head back, and Cas met his gaze, it was sincere, or as sincere as Dean could be. Cas whimpered and nodded, tugging harder against the restraints.

"I swear Dean...I swear I won't run." Dean moved back, untying Cas's arms and legs slowly, Cas sighed in relief when he finally brought his arms down. Dean crawled back up and mounted him again.

-0-

"Your father had an extensive amount of child pornography. We discovered in the basement of your old home. We're you aware that your father was sexually abusing Dean when he was a child?" Sam sat stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Dean had shot and killed their father in cold blood. There were no defensive wounds, John didn't fight back. But the most disturbing thing was what Detective Henrickson was telling him. He shook his head in disbelief.

"No...I mean there were little quirky things that Dad did, it seemed a little odd. But I never...." Jess rubbed Sam's shoulder soothingly, she had come to the precinct for moral support, leaving their daughter with her mother. "You're saying he...he raped Dean?"

"No I'm saying he took erotic photos of your brother as a child. Only your father and Dean know what really happened." Victor sat down on the edge of the table, they were in the interrogation room, being filmed and recorded. "But that's not the biggest problem....I need you to be completely honest with me Sam." Sam nodded, swallowing hard. "When Dean dropped in to see you last night....did you give him Castiel Milton's location?" Sam's blood ran cold and his cheeks flushed.

"No I-"

"Be honest son. It'll do you no good to lie to an officer of the law." Sam wet his lips and looked at Jessica. She reached down and took his hand, squeezing gently.

"He said he wanted to talk to him...He guilt tripped me, I had no idea he killed our father...he just said he wanted to talk to Cas. I couldn't- I couldn't let him down again." Sam hung his head ashamed. No matter what he did, he was either going to screw himself or his brother. The room got quiet, Henrickson stared at the floor for a long moment. Sam was ready for Henrickson to arrest him, chastise him or something.

"We'll keep this between us." Sam's head shot up, wide unbelieving eyes. Henrickson smiled at him. It was a small and tight lipped smile, but his eyes let Sam know he was getting off the hook...Just this once.

"Thank you sir," Sam stood and shook Henrickson's hand. Henrickson nodded. "Please....When you find my brother call me."

"I will." Henrickson felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Sam nodded once more before turning to leave with his wife. Henrickson pressed the answer button.

"Henrickson."

"We have a situation," Victor felt a storm of uneasiness pick up and circle in his stomach, it was his boss, and it was never a good thing when he called.

"Name it."

"Castiel Milton is missing."

-0-

Dean's heavy arm was thrown over Cas, his leg wrapped around Cas's waist. He's been gentler this time, making sure Cas was open and prepped for him. But that didn't stop Cas from crying as his body was ravaged by his former lover again. He stared at the ceiling as Dean dozed beside him, sleeping as though he hadn't slept in years.

If there was ever a time to escape it would have been that moment. Cas moved Dean's arm gently, trying not to wake the sleeping man. Dean groaned and rolled onto his side, facing away from Cas. Cas slid off the bed, picking up Dean's discarded clothing and shuffling to the bathroom as quietly as he could.

It was a cold night, Cas could see his breath as he made his way down the street, away from the motel Dean had checked them into. He walked fast, head down, arms wrapped around himself. He didn't know where they were, but the further he got away from Dean the better.

He was so wrapped up in his mission he didn't hear the man behind him, staying back only a few feet, but following closely. Cas turned a corner sharply, only to be grabbed hard and pushed into a brick wall. Cas opened his mouth to scream, something hard hit him in the back of the head, a sickening crunch echoing in his ears. His vision blurred, before blackness overtook him.

-0-

Dean stretched out, reaching across the bed lazily. His eyes snapped open when he felt the space next to him was cold. He sat up abruptly, looking around for Cas. He was no where to be seen. Dean turned on the lamp on the bedside table.

The clothes that had been on the floor were gone. And there was no sign of Cas anywhere. Rage filled Dean and he grit his teeth angrily, jumping off the bed. He yanked extra clothes out of the duffel he brought and grabbed his knife and Colt.45. This was a small town. Cas couldn't have gotten far.

He had hoped that maybe the two of them made some sort of progress. Maybe Cas’s feelings for him returned or they resurfaced after lying dormant for so long. Dean’s heart ached. Cas had used him, tricked him into setting him free so he could leave. Dean slammed the door to the Impala and started the car. It was dark and late, if Cas was wandering around alone it could be dangerous. He needed to find him and quick.

-0-  
  
Castiel was cold and wet with perspiration when he woke. There was a light breeze, he was still outside, he could hear the occasional car driving by. But the musky scent of sex and arousal made panic rise in his chest. He tried to blink, to clear the darkness, but a scarf covered his eyes. He tried to scream, the sound is muffled by a gag, stuffed into his mouth. The material was rough and coarse, like that of a washcloth. His arms were bound behind his back tightly and intricately. He tugged on the knots but to no avail.   
  
"Such a pretty boy. You’re gonna be a screamer, you are." A man's voice gushed admirably. Cas  screamed against the rag, tears spilling from his eyes, panic ripped through every part of his body. He twisted and bucked against the restraints. His attacker laughed, seemingly amused by Cas’s failed attempts at escape.  
  
"Beautiful." The man said softly trailing a finger caressed Cas’s forehead. Cas threw himself back, groaning when his head hit the concrete ground. His face felt hot and his eyes hurt. He found himself breathing heavily, his chest constricting in pain. He gagged against the cloth, only to choke on his own bile.   
  
The man's slender hand slipped into the jeans Cas stole and gripped the base of his limp  penis. He cried in disgust at the alien touch. The hand was rough and fleshy. And none too gentle as it began to twist and pull, jerking him off slowly. He felt ashamed as his penis twitched and began to harden, his body betraying the emotions he was feeling. Tears streamed down his cheeks, his eyelashes were wet, matting together behind the blindfold.   
  
  
"Uh oh, someone’s being a very, very, very naughty little boy." The man cackled vehemently.  
  
Cas threw up against the rag. The hot acidic fluid sat soaking in his mouth. He coughed and sputtered, choking on his own waste. He inhaled through his nose, only to catch some of the vomit. His eyes watered and nostrils flared at the sting of it. The man pulled Cas up into a sitting position, leaning him back against a cool wall. Cas could feel the attacker’s hands on his thighs, stroking slowly in what was meant to be a loving touch. It only made Cas want to vomit more.   
  
The man pulled the rag from Cas’s mouth, leaning forward to press a searing kiss to his lips.   
  
"You still with me?” The man asked with careful hesitation. Cas coughed up the rest of the vomit, his lip trembled and soft whimpers escaped his lips.   
  
"Dean! Somebody! Anybody! Help me!" Is the first thing he screamed when he could speak. His throat was scratchy and raw, just speaking felt as though his lungs were bleeding. But he  screamed as loud as he could. In the chaos of his mind it dawned on him that Dean would wake up, notice he was gone and come looking for him. They were in an alley, only a few blocks from the hotel. Cas screamed for Dean again, only to see a burst of white light and feel searing hot pain across his jaw, the attacker struck him hard.   
  
"Shut up...The only thing I want to hear is you begging for my cock." The man whispered dangerously, he jerked Cas slowly, flicking his thumb over the head of Cas’s half hard penis. A broken sob he tried to hold back gave way, his shoulders slumped. He was about to give up.   
  
He threw up again, all over his shirt and the man’s hand. But he didn’t seem to care, his breathing was getting sharper and Cas could tell he was getting excited. Cas’s muscles tensed as arousal and fear mixed and danced around in his lower abdomen.  His body continued to betray him, arching into the man’s touches, his toes curled slightly.

  
"Stop! Let me go! Dean! Dean I need you!!!!" Cas’s voice ripped out of his chest.. His stomach hurt and cramped to the point where he didn’t know if he needed to shit or he needed to throw up again. He wanted to lash out, lunge at his attacker and bash his face in. But he still had yet to see him. The blindfold was secured over his eyes and unmoving.   
  
Cas struggled, trying to back away from the man’s touch. He heard car’s whizzing by down the alley, out on the street. He screamed out again, crying and begging, Dean was the only thing on his mind. He should have never left him.   
  
Suddenly he heard feet approaching, stomping towards him and his attacker. The man stopped momentarily, fist still wrapped loosely around Cas’s cock. “Son of a bitch!” Cas heard an impact of bodies and his attacker grunt as he landed on the ground.   
  
"Dean!" Cas sobbed in relief, trying to shrug the blindfold off. His body relaxed and his erection started to go down. The sound of struggling continued but Cas felt better. Dean was there. Dean had come for him after all.   
  
Rough calloused hands grabbed Cas’s shoulders, pulling him forward. The ropes that tied him were cut off and the blindfold torn from his eyes. Unwittingly and surprising for Dean, Cas threw his arms around him, hugging him tightly. Dean hugged him back, kissing his hair possessively. “Dean! Dean I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”  
  
"Are you alright?" Dean asked as they broke apart, concern filled his eyes, his tone clipped and short, barely containing anger. Cas shook his head no, of course he wasn’t okay. He’d been kidnapped and molested twice now. Needless to say he was shaken to the core. Dean kissed his forehead, turning his eyes to Cas’s attacker, slumped against stray trash that had been thrown into the alley. “You ran away,” his eyes narrowed in accusation. Cas flinched, drawing back into himself. Dean grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him. “You ran and I saved you...Again. You owe me now Cas. You’re mine now.” Cas nodded, slightly relieved Dean wasn’t going to kill him or be too angry with him for running.  “The Impala’s out there in front of the bar….Go sit in the car while I take care of this bastard.” Cas shivered and turned his eyes to his attacker for the first time. “If you run again Cas Ill kill you. I told you. You’re mine.”  
  
"What are you going to do?" Cas asked. Dean shrugged, pulling his knife from his back pocket and dragging the edge of it against his thumb nail. He gave Cas a cold, sadistic smile.   
  
"He touched you Cas...He tried to take what is mine...I'm going to kill him, but I’ll make sure he realizes just what exactly he’s done. Only I’m allowed to touch you like that. Anyone else does…” Dean’s eyes narrowed, a spark of jealousy flashing behind them, “They’re gonna pay for it.” Cas licked his lips. The man who attacked him groaned, shifting and trying to get up. Something snapped in Cas, rage filled him and before Dean could stop him he lunged forward.

“Cas!” Dean shouted at Cas in shock, but Cas barely heard him. He was tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of not being in control. He grabbed his attacker by his hair, twisting and yanking hard. The man screamed in pain, Cas, as disgusting as it sounded, liked the sound of that. He pulled the man’s head back and shoved it forward, smashing his face against the concrete. Blood splattered and a sickening crack resonated through the alley. Cas went into a frenzy, bashing the man’s head into the concrete over and over.

So many emotions, so many things he’d felt and experienced in the last two days. It would be enough to make anyone snap. He was feeling them all at once. Rage, fear, anger hurt, sadness, grief, love, loss. But the clearest emotion he felt in that moment was rage. He never asked for this. He never asked for Dean to take him or to kill Balthazar. He never asked for this and he damn sure didn’t deserve it. He growled, the sound of skull hitting pavement became repetitive like a drum beat. Over and over and over again.

“Cas!” stern hands grabbed Cas, yanking him to his feet. Cas was breathing heavy, the rage and anger and adrenaline still raging within him. He stared at the bloody body before him, blood congealing on his clothes and on his face. Dean turned Cas to face him slowly. They stared at each other for a long moment, until Cas’s eyes lost the glossy look they’d had only moments ago, reverting to wide eyed horror. He tried to turn and look back at the man he’d just killed, Dean kept him still, cupping his face in his hands.

“I killed that man….I killed that man…” cas whispered in rushed surprise. Panic seized him once more and his mind raced. Dean stroked his face, cooing and trying to calm him. Cas felt as though he were falling apart. Tears blurred his vision and his fingers twisted in Dean’s shirt.

Dean rubbed Cas’s back soothingly. A twinge of regret rushing through him. He should never have taken Cas. It was a passing thought, but it was enough to make him feel guilty. He kissed Cas softly, trying to calm him, and tugged him towards the Impala. “Let’s go back to the Motel Cas. Get you cleaned up.” Cas resisted, holding his ground and tugging back against Dean slightly.

“But-But Dean that man-”

“I did it Cas. I killed him.”

“But-”

  
“Come on,” Dean yanked him back, pulling him towards the car, “That blood’s gonna be hard as hell to get off you as it is.”


	5. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PTSD, Shock, nightmare

“I went by the house because they were late and we missed the flight...I get there and the door’s hanging wide open, so I step inside looking for my little brother.” Gabriel swallowed dryly, his tongue felt thick and swollen in his mouth. He was nervous. His brother had been missing for three days. Victor Henriksen tapped his pen on the metal table, he motioned for Gabriel to continue, “I’ve never seen so much blood in my entire life, as I saw in that living room. Balthazar was lying face down in a shit ton of blood. It freaked me out. I started running around, screaming for Castiel, but he was gone. The only place that looked like there had been a struggle was in the living room where Balthazar was lying.” Gabe felt like he might be sick, if anything happened to his little brother he’d kill Winchester himself. There was a knock on the door and a young detective handed Henrickson a cup of water, which he promptly placed in front of the grieving brother.

“Tell me what you remember about Dean Winchester. Your brother dated him for quite some time did he not?” Gabe nodded, taking a large gulp of the water, he shivered, a cool tingle going down his spine.

“Yeah they dated. Childhood sweethearts and all, no one was really surprised when they came out and started dating.” Gabe smirked to himself, “the two of them were as thick as thieves growing up and...And when they started dating they were inseparable. You never found one without the other. Dean had this hardness...This cold demeanor, but when he looked at Cas or at his little brother...He turned into this gentle giant.” Gabe nodded to himself, carving his nails into the side of the paper cup lazily. He shook his head and looked up at Detective Henrickson with pleading eyes, “You have to find him, you have to find my brother.”

“We will Gabriel. We’ll bring him back to you-”

“I saw...I saw on the news that kidnapping victims don’t usually last more than twenty four hours...What if Dean kills my brother?!” Gabriel stood, his voice rising with terror. Henrickson walked over to him and placed his hands on the young man’s trembling shoulders, trying to hold him steady.

“Mr. Milton I’m going to need you to calm down for me okay? From what you’ve told me about Dean I don’t think that he’ll kill your brother...I don’t think he has the guts to. Now, I have to go file some paper work, but I’ll be back to answer any questions you may have in a few minutes, so just hang tight and we’ll have your other siblings here soon.” Gabriel nodded, slumping back down into the chair and putting his head in his hands. Henrickson heard a broken sob as he shut the door to the interrogation room.

“Well how is he?” Victor jumped, running into his boss, Ellen Harvelle, a tough, take no shit woman, she always caught her man. Henrickson admired her and hoped to be as good as she was one day. They looked at the one way glass, Gabriel now had his head on the table, buried in his arms.

“About how you would expect a grieving brother to be...Find anything?” Ellen shook her head handing Victor a file. He opened it and scanned the pages quickly.

“I think we’re out skilled here Victor. We may have to call in a specialist.” Victor’s eyes snapped up, Ellen was watching him warily. The realization of her words only took a few moments to sink in.

“You wanna bring in Crowley? A convicted felon? That’s rich,” Ellen shrugged, stepping in Victor’s path when he tried to move around her. Her eyes narrowed and her chest puffed up in authority, she was still his superior.

“We may not have a choice anymore Victor. We know nothing of Winchester except that he’s capable of murder. Other than that he’s a mystery.” Ellen ran her fingers through her hair. “All I’m saying is, let’s at least let him get us a pattern, something, anything we can work with to find him. Because the longer he goes without apprehension, the more likely it is he’s killed that man’s brother.”

-0-

Cas hadn’t spoken not one word since he killed the man in the alley. Dean had asked him if he was alright, but Cas stared ahead, eyes blank, face expressionless, fists curled tightly in his lap. After giving Cas a bath, and washing him (he wouldn’t do it himself...Or he couldn’t….) Dean had packed their things and left Kansas that night, crossing the state line to Nebraska. Dean drove all night, trying to put as much distance between them and their old home as possible.

“C’mere Cas,” Dean opened the passenger door and grabbed Cas’s arm, throwing it around his shoulders, he scooped him up in his arms. He was met with no resistance, Cas’s head lolled on his shoulder, rolling from side to side. He nudged open the door to their hotel room and walked in carefully maneuvering Cas so he didn’t hit the doorframe. “Still such a fucking light weight,” he grumbled, setting Cas down on one of the twin beds. He fell limply, like a rag doll, feet dangling over the edge, staring at the ceiling. Dean cleared his throat and shuffled from one foot to the other, “I’m a, I’m gonna take a shower Cas okay? If you need me at all the door will be open,” Cas didn’t answer, he blinked twice at the ceiling and took a deep shaky breath.

This was the first time in a long time Dean ever felt anything close to guilt or remorse. As he stood under the hot water, he thought it would burn away the pain in his chest but it didn’t. He should have never taken Cas from his home, he should have never killed Cas’s boyfriend. He fucked up, so bad. That was all he ever seemed to do anymore, was fuck shit up. And now Cas may be broken permanently.

He shuddered thinking about Cas when he killed that man who had tried to rape him. His eyes had been wild and he’d gone into some kind of frenzy...It was like he snapped and just lost it. The thud of the man’s head on cement echoed in his ears as he relived the memory of Cas, wild with rage, slamming the man’s head down until nothing was left but a bloody, matted mess. And when Cas had looked at Dean, the look in his eyes gave Dean a chill that spread through his whole body. In that moment he was not Castiel Milton, fragile little doe eyed boy. He was an animal, defending himself, and that had been the scariest thing Dean had ever seen in his life. The switch from human to animal had been so quick for Cas it was like blinking. He shut the water off and toweled himself, his skin flushed from the heat and pupils dilated. Cas was broken now and it was all his fault.

Cas was still lying motionless on the bed when he came out, pajama pants and no shirt. Dean lifted Cas’s feet, taking his shoes off one by one. When he moved for Cas’s pants Cas  gave a soft whimper, Dean’s heart skipped a beat. But he went back to nothing. Dean pulled his pants down his legs and took off his shirt, tucking him down under the duvet, against the mattress. He missed the sound of Cas’s voice. He had him sure, but he wasn’t there. Dean sat on the edge of the bed and stared at his former boyfriend, his eyes were clouded and glazed over, dark stubble covering his cheeks from not being shaved and deep purple bruises under his eyes. His face was gaunt and pale. Dean blinked and took a shuddering breath, trying to push the emotions he was feeling down into his stomach.

“Lincoln Nebraska….Ya know a lot of shit has gone down here. Charles Starkweather and his girlfriend went on a killing spree and Brandon Teena lived here….he was murdered in Falls City...But his family was from here...yeah a lot of shit has happened in this little town over the years,” Dean waited for a witty remark, for something to be said about his statement. He’d always been a true crime buff and it used to drive Cas crazy….In all honesty, his obsession with true crime was a major factor in why he committed his crimes. He wanted to be remembered for something...Something so out there and insane, that people would talk about him for years and years to come. Cas stared ahead, no acknowledgement towards Dean at all. Dean reached out and took his hand, pressing his knuckles to his smooth cheek. Tears blurred his vision, he cleared his throat, “I never wanted any of this for you….I just wanted...I wanted to go back to what we were. I didn’t think about you, or your feelings in this. I shouldn’t have taken you like that Cas….I should have been glad you were happy and in love,” he bit his lip, trying to keep his jaw from trembling, “I wanted you was all. I dreamed of our reunion and when I saw Balthazar...and I realized you loved him I-I couldn’t handle it….I needed you, but you’ve never needed me. Not in the same way.” he ran the fingers of his free hand through Cas’s hair, relishing in the feel of the soft fibers against his fingertips. “I’m gonna make it right Cas...Cas you are so pure, so sweet. I’m gonna take you back Cas, and then I’m gonna leave and you’ll never see me or hear from me again I promise.” he kissed Cas’s forehead, the other man’s fingers twitched lightly. “I love you so much...I love you , I really do. So as much as I hate it...I’m gonna let you go.”

-0-

_Cas was running in the dark, moonlight shone brightly through the trees. Someone was after him, chasing him down. He had to get back to Dean. Dean was waiting for him. Dean was always waiting for him. Animals called and cooed as he ran, but he didn’t stop, his feet were bare and blistered, small cuts under the soles. He bit his lip, arms pumping and wind whipping against his face._

__

_“You killed that man! You killed that man!” voices echoed loudly around him, he reached up and covered his ears with his hands. He shook his head. He didn’t kill any-_

The man in the alley.

He touched Cas inappropriately.

Cas was angry.

Cas lashed out.

Cas bashed the man’s head in.

_“No!” Cas cried out. Tears streamed down his face, the trees were closing in, the moon was getting darker, he was running in circles. There was no way out._

__

_“Gonna let you go Cas….Gotta let you go,” Cas flinched. That was Dean’s voice. Dean was close. He just needed to reach Dean. He had to find Dean._

-0-

It had all been decided. Dean would drop Cas off at the local precinct in the morning and go far away from him...When they were kids they talked about getting a cabin in the mountains. Living in the wild and being away from society...Like Christopher Mccandless did when he hitchhiked to Alaska. Except Dean wouldn’t be going to Alaska and he’d be driving his beloved Impala.

He stared at the dark ceiling, hands behind his head, breathing evenly, trying to catch a little bit of sleep. As much as he hated himself for doing it, he’d have to do the right thing for Cas. Cas had moved on and started a whole new life after Dean went away. And Dean had been selfish to try and take it back from him, to force him to stay. If Cas really loved him, and really wanted to be with him, he would stay of his own accord. Not by force.

“Dean...Dean…” Dean turned his head, Cas was shifting restlessly on the other bed, tossing and turning, crying out. It was a night terror. He got those often when they were kids. “Dean...Dean...Dean please…” Cas whimpered, curling into a ball and shaking. Dean sighed, rolling off his bed and padding across the floor to Cas.

The other bed dipped under his weight as he lifted the blankets and settled in behind Cas. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man, pulling him back against his chest. Cas turned around in Dean’s arms, wrapping his own around Dean tightly. Dean drew circles on Cas’s back lazily, cooing gently in his ear.

  
“Shh...Shh it’s okay Cas..It’s okay baby I’m here…” Cas’s body began to relax, the trembling settled and his breathing evened. Dean held him close, cheek pushed against the top of Cas’s head, while Cas was curled up under his chin. A twinge of nostalgia filled him and he found it harder to sleep.

-0-

Cas blinked, stirring and rolling over onto his back. He didn’t know where he was, but the body that was lying next to him felt familiar. Sun streamed in through the motel window, making him squint and raise his arm to shade his eyes. Dean was lying next to him, on his side, arm stretched out, where it had been wrapped around him. Cas felt something pull at him, deep in his chest.

Dean never looked so peaceful as he did when he slept. The lines and creases in his face smoothed out, he looked younger, healthier. Soft pink lips parted slightly, he breathed deeply, eyes darting around behind his eyelids. Cas smiled, he must have been having a really good dream.

Cas didn’t remember anything after the alley. He didn’t know if they were still in Kansas or if they were somewhere else entirely. All he knew was that Dean hadn’t left him, that dream had been a lie. His heart relaxed, relief flooding him. If Deann left him what would he have left? Yes he would have his brothers and sister….But Balthazar was dead and if Dean left him again….He didn’t think he could bear it.

A hand reached up and trailed gently down Cas’s naked spine. Cas’s body arched slightly at the touch and he felt the bed shift, Dean groaned, sitting up. “You’re awake,” he whispered, placing a chaste kiss to Cas’s collarbone. Cas nodded.

“What happened?” Dean cleared his throat, pulling Cas back against him, Cas went willingly, back pressed to Dean’s front. Dean threaded his fingers through Cas’s hair.

“You were attacked in an alley...I killed the man who attacked you,” Cas furrowed his brow. That didn’t seem right. No he remembered…

“But I remember that-”

“Cas. I killed him. You’ve been kinda out of it the past few days. It’s okay. I’ll kill thousands if it meant saving you.” Cas closed his mouth, deciding not to argue. Dean was relieved, happy Cas seemed somewhat back to normal...But still. “Cas I’m taking you back home. To your family.” Cas jerked forward, turning on the bed to face Dean. Dean looked sad, but determined, as though this was not up for debate, it would happen whether Cas liked it or not.

“Dean you can’t-”

“I should never have taken you Cas….I know that. I was selfish. I thought...I thought we could pick up where we left off and be happy together like we used too. I wasn’t thinking about you, and what nineteen years could do to you, how you would change. You had a life Cas. You were a teacher and you had so much going for you….My life is over Cas. It’s been over since the moment I escaped that prison. I’ll never be free. They’ll always be after me….I can’t do that to you, because I do love you. I love you more than life itself, and if I have to give you up to prove it then I will.” tears stung at Cas’s eyes, anger boiling within him. His hand moved quicker than his mind, he struck Dean, hard, across the face. His hand stung and Dean’s eyes widened in shock. Cas lunged forward, smacking and hitting Dean as hard as he could. They rolled off the bed, toppling to the floor, cas clawed at Dean, lashing out in anger and hurt and...fear.

“You stupid bastard! You didn’t think about that before!? You can't take me back now you idiot! I have nothing left to return to!” Dean grabbed Cas’s arms, wrestling against him, Cas was stronger than he looked, he managed to roll them over and pin Cas down. Cas squirmed and bucked, but Dean did not relent. “Let me go Dean! I hate you! I hate you!” cas was sobbing now, broken cries that masked his true pleads. _Don’t let me go Dean. Don’t send me back._

“Cas, for the first time in my life I’m trying to do right by you. I took you by force. You didn’t want to come with me and you don’t love me...at least not like you used to,” he said this quietly. Cas looked away from Dean, guilt written all over his face. “Cas I can’t have a normal life. I like to kill...I like the power it gives me….You aren’t like that. you’ve never been like that….I want you to go back Cas. Go back and fall in love again and teach your students and forget me. I’ll stay away, forever. I’ll never bother you again. You’ll be at peace.” Cas’s eyes glistened with tears, his lips trembled and his body shook with rage. He glared up at Dean.

“Do you think that’s what I want?” his voice was low, cracked and laced with pain. Dean bent forward and pressed his lips to Cas’s softly. Cas actually kissed him back, with no coaxing or force, it made Dean’s heart leap with joy.

 **  
**“I don’t know and I don’t care. You don’t have a choice.”


	6. Wounds in the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is sick, obviously, he gets off on murder. There's a little bit of gore in this chapter. it may be a bit disturbing.

Dean drove Cas to the precinct in silence. Cas stared out the window, watching pretty houses and tall trees pass by. These last four days hadn’t exactly been peachy, he was scared as hell for most of it….But when Dean found him, when he saved him from that man in the alley, something shifted in their dynamic. Cas had feared Dean, feared being killed if Dean caught up with him, but Dean held him, comforted him, and took responsibility for something he didn’t do. A small smile graced Cas’s lips. That was something the old Dean would have done. Nineteen years ago. Cas didn’t want to leave, not anymore, he’d lost Balthazar sure, but Dean had come back. And if he were being completely honest with himself, he never really got over Dean. How could he? Dean was his first everything.

“Cas you know this is right….You’re too good for me now. Go back to your life okay? Don’t worry about me.” Cas sat silently, hand on the door handle, he didn’t move. Dean bit his lip, staring hard at the steering wheel. “I’m sorry Cas….For everything. For taking you, for killing Balthazar-”

“I’m not.” it was the first thing Cas said since they started the drive to the police station. Dean’s head jerked up and he met glossy blue eyes. Cas was staring at him evenly, he took a deep breath, “I mean...I think I was put off at first, but Dean,” he reached out and ran his fingers over Dean’s on the steering wheel. “I’ve loved you since I was ten years old….I lost you at fifteen. Don’t make me lose you again. Please let me stay.” Dean shook his head.

“I’m dirt Cas. You deserve better-”

“And I’m not dirt? I’ve never done anything that’s tainted me?” Dean narrowed his eyes, testing Cas’s resolve.

“No, you haven’t. We aren’t good for each other. When I’m with you Cas...I get-I can’t control myself. And I’ve already told you, I won’t be free. Not until I’m dead and buried. I don’t want you living that kind of life with me...Your state after the attack in the alley was enough for me to clear my head. I can’t do this to you-”

“But you already have!” Cas’s voice raised with hysteria. “Do you really think you were the only one in prison for nineteen years? You think you were in there alone? That I wasn’t in there with you?” Dean was taken aback by Cas’s outburst, surprised at his change in attitude. “Dean I was scared. I was fifteen years old, I didn’t know that telling Gabriel what happened would get you sent away. I didn’t understand the consequences but everyday after you left I felt like I was in jail too. Always looking over my shoulder and feeling sick to my stomach from missing you...And then I went to college, and I met Balthazar. And he reminded me of how you were before you killed old man Jenks. I fell in love with him because of you. Because I couldn’t get over you Dean. You aren’t the only one who’s been haunted by memories. I regret turning you in every fucking day.”

“Cas I-” Cas held up his hand.

“I need to say this. Let me finish...You raped me, you killed my boyfriend and you took me from my home. And I did hate you for it and I did want to get away...But when you came for me and you held me in that alley I saw _you._ I saw who you really are. That bright eyed seventeen year old with the world at his fingertips, who gave it up for a dopey looking kid.” Cas moved closer to Dean, reaching up and running his fingers over Dean’s stubbled jaw. Dean’s face was red and his jaw was clenched. He looked as though he wanted to cry. But he wouldn’t. “I don’t want to go back to that prison cell Dean….Please. Let me go with you.” Dean cleared his throat, licking his lips.

“I won’t stop killing.”

“I never said you had too. Just let me be with you again…” Dean shook his head, straightening himself and tightening his grip on the steering wheel. He glared at the street light up ahead. The decision had already been made.

“Goodbye Cas.” Cas felt his whole body go cold. His heart plunged to his stomach, tears blurred his vision. He pulled away from Dean and opened the door to the Impala, every movement felt forced. He slammed the door so hard the passenger window cracked. Dean winced, started the car and peeled away from the curb as fast as he could. He didn’t look back.

Cas stood there for a few moments, willing Dean to change his mind, tears sliding down his face and brushing over his lips in the light breeze that blew all around him. He tried to even his breathing, to calm the raging storm in his heart. Dean had left him. And this time he would never be coming back.

The woman at the registration desk was older, a bit over weight and hair greying at the roots of her scalp. She wore fuchsia colored lipstick and had long fake nails, painted pink. She smiled up at Cas when he came to the desk, a worried expression on her face.

“Hey baby how can I help you?” Cas sniffled and scuffed his shoe on the floor. He wiped his eyes and straightened his shirt before answering her with a small, shy voice.

“My name is Castiel Milton I-...I was reported missing but I didn’t go missing...I killed my boyfriend and I ran away.”

-0-

Dean sprayed lysol all over the Impala, trying to get rid of Cas’s scent. It took everything he had not to turn around and pick Cas backup. But he couldn’t do that to him. Cas had been through so much and everytime Dean looked at him he felt guilty. He couldn’t drag him down, he wouldn’t do that to him, not ever again.

Back on the road again he was frustrated and twitchy. He needed to kill something, break something to get himself back in the right mindset. He was pining for Cas, desperate to go back and collect him. It was getting dark, the sky turned blood red, mixed with a pretty liquid gold color, he saw a hitchhiker, no older than twenty five, walking along side the empty road, he slowed his vehicle, pulling up right along side him. The man looked a lot like Cas, eyes big and blue, hair black and thick, unruly piled on his head. He leaned over, peering into the window at Dean.

“Need a ride?” the man nodded.

“Just to the next town please?” Dean reached over and opened the door for him, the man hopped in, tossing his bag in the back, he shut the door and turned to Dean. “I’m Jimmy,” Dean’s lips curled into a sadistic smile, reaching out and shaking the other man’s hand.

“I’m Brandon...Nice to meet you…”

-0-

“Castiel we know that Dean Winchester knew the location of your whereabouts….Now we can’t help you unless you tell the truth.”

“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” Cas was frustrated and tired. He’d been taken into custody the moment he uttered the words ‘I killed my boyfriend.’ Now this man, this Victor Henriksen sat in front of him, drilling him over and over again. He’d already confessed, why wouldn’t they just take him to a cell already. He felt numb, and alone, he curled in on himself, sighing annoyed. “I found out Dean was out and after me and I panicked. Balthazar got out the shower, he startled me and I shot him thinking he was Dean.” Victor shook his head, leaning down towards Cas.

“I don’t believe you for a second Castiel….” Cas looked away from Victor with a decided huff, “Castiel you were a good man. A teacher, an outstanding member of the community. You really expect me to believe you killed your boyfriend?”

“Believe whatever the fuck you want to believe okay?! I fucking did it! I did it! Now leave me alone!” Like a child Cas crossed his arms over the table and buried his face in them. He just wanted them to all go away. Let him sleep.

“Hmm.” Victor stood from the table and went to the door, Cas lifted his head only slightly, “You turned him in nineteen years ago...and now you’re defending him….Jesus kid pick one side or the other,” he slammed the door, making Cas jump.

-0-

“Hello?” Michael answered the phone on the second ring. He , Hannah and Gabriel had been staying with Sam Winchester and his family while the police looked for Cas. Gabriel sat on the couch with Hannah, Sam’s wife was making lunch and Sam was out at work. The two siblings  looked at their older brother with hope in their eyes. “You found him?” Hannah let out a squeal of delight, Gabriel broke into a wide grin. “What?” Michael’s brow furrowed, something unreadable passed over his eyes. “He said that? Of course...We’ll meet you down there. Thank you.” He hung up the phone, staring at it in disbelief.

“They find him?” Gabriel asked, the atmosphere had changed drastically, fear crept up Gabriel’s spine. Hannah’s grip on her brother tightened. Michael nodded.

“They found him...He wandered into a precinct in Lincoln Nebraska by himself.”

“Well that’s good right?” Hannah offered, still clinging to hope.

“He said he killed Balthazar and ran in fear….he said Dean Winchester had nothing to do with it and he hasn’t seen him,” Michael finally looked up at his siblings, a tear sliding down his cheek, pain evident in his eyes. “They’re charging him with manslaughter.”

-0-

Dean came hard, grunting and pumping into his hand. The echo of Jimmy’s screams still ringing in his ears. He had been a pretty one, easy for him to carve up, the evidence all over the floor of the motel room. He hadn’t thought about that...Guess he’d have to leave before the cleaning ladies came. He looked at the lump on the floor that had been Jimmy. it was so easy to overpower someone else. Take control of them. But it brought no relief.

He still missed Cas. More so now that he was alone and had no one again. He thought about the desperate tone in his voice when they got ready to part ways. The fear in his eyes, reflected the fear in Dean’s heart. Nineteen years all he thought about, besides how much he hated his father and missed Sam, was how good it would be to get back with Cas. He had been vain and disillusioned to think that Cas would wait for him, wouldn’t move forward without him.

He grabbed a tissue and cleaned himself up, heading towards the bathroom. A nice hot bath to wipe away the blood would definitely warm the cold feeling that had settled over him. He couldn’t describe it, leaving Cas behind of his own free will was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. But he didn’t do it for himself this time. This time his only thought was Cas’s happiness.

_But what if Cas was happy to be with you._ Dean scoffed at the thought, dismissing it almost immediately. If Cas had really been happy to be with him then they were both more screwed up than he thought. But he wouldn’t take Cas off that pedestal he placed him on for nothing. Cas was good. Cas wasn’t tainted. And it needed to stay that way.

-0-

They put Cas in a holding cell. Not exactly prison, but if he closed his eyes he could pretend he was in maximum security, or something like that. He lay on his back, arm thrown over his face, chest moving slowly up and down. He tried to imagine how Dean felt when they’d taken him, he was probably resilient, angry and hostile. Too bad Cas could only pull off ‘whiny little brat who wants to be left alone.’ He groaned and shifted, the metal springs of the thin mattress pushing up into his spine.   

“Cas?” he lifted his arm at the sound of his name, but the voice it belonged to filled him with dread. Sam Winchester was standing outside of his cell. He hadn’t seen Sam since they were kids. Cas sat up and smiled cynically, taking in the taller man. He had definitely grown. “Cas it’s me, Sam,” Cas nodded, hopping off the bed and walking to bars that separated them, he curled his nimble fingers around the cold metal.           

“I remember...God Sam you grew didn’t you?” Sam chuckled, a white smile gracing his features. But there was a glint in his eye that made Cas weary.

“Cas...what are you doing?” Cas felt his defenses building, shielding him from Sam. He cocked his head in mock confusion.

“Don’t know what you mean.”

“Come on Cas...We both know you don’t have the guts to kill someone,” Cas rolled his eyes.

“Why does everyone keep saying that? I did it. I killed Balthazar,” his voice was a low growl, Sam’s eyes narrowed.

“That why you have to convince yourself?” That struck at Cas hard. His grip tightened on the metal bars, he wanted to reach through and choke Sam. But Sam was good. Sam didn’t deserve to die. And Dean would never forgive him if he killed him.

“Why are you here Sam?” Cas’s eyes narrowed and he puffed up his chest, trying to make himself appear bigger than he was.    

“I’m trying to talk some sense into you. If you think that this is what Dean would want you're wrong….Dean loved you Cas. He told me that all the time. He wouldn’t want you to hem yourself up like this.” Cas ground his teeth together, dragging them slowly and making Sam flinch. He glared at the giant man.

“I don’t know where Dean is. I killed Balthazar.” they stared at each other, sizing one another up, neither backing down. Finally after a few moments Sam gave in reluctantly. He shook his head.

“See you around Cas,” he turned and walked away, Cas pressed himself against the bars, shouting angrily at Sam’s back.

 **  
**“I bet that you won’t!”


	7. Breakdown and Psych Evaluations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mainly cas centric chapter. He has a breakdown towards the end. Hopefully some things will be better explained.

_“Shoulda brought the Impala.” Dean grumbled, piling the pillows and blankets into the back of his father’s old pick up. John had given Dean permission to take the truck and go stargazing with Cas. Cas laughed as he sat down, nestling deep into the blankets._

__

_“It’s perfect, we’re out in the open Dean, and it’s a warm night.” Dean smiled, unable to resist Cas. He sat down next to the younger boy and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “I couldn’t ask for anything better,” he turned his face and pressed a chaste kiss to Dean’s lips._

__

_They laid like that for a while, staring up at the sky, pointing out the different constellations and shooting stars they could see. The wind blew lightly and Cas felt safe and contented in his boyfriend’s arms._

__

_“Hey Cas?” Cas was dozing, head resting on Dean’s shoulder, eyes closed, Dean’s thumb was rubbing soft circles on his arm._

__

_“Hmm?”_

__

_“Cas I wanna ask you somethin’....” he shifted, shaking Cas slightly and trying to wake him._

__

_“What? What?” Cas opened his eyes slowly, Dean’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes clouded over with something Cas couldn’t place, the fifteen year old drew back slightly, intimidated by his older boyfriend’s gaze. Dean ran his fingers through his hair nervously._

__

_“Cas I love you...You know that right?”_

__

_“Of course.” Dean nodded, biting his lip, his hand slipped into his back pocket and Cas felt the air in his body leave in one gasp. Dean pulled out a small silver band, his class ring, it glittered in the moonlight. “Dean-”_

__

_“We’re young I know, and I know my class ring isn’t much, but it’s all i have for now...I wanna marry you one day Cas. After you graduate, we can move away….But I never want this to end, so,” he held the ring out for Cas, waiting for him to take it or reject him. Dean’s shoulders bristled, preparing for rejection. Instead Cas smiled, taking Dean’s hand and kissing his knuckles softly._

__

_“How could I ever say no to you?” Dean’s face broke into a wide smile._

-0-

“Milton!” Cas’s eyes snapped open, his heart was racing. He remembered that night perfectly, that night was one week before Dean killed old man Jenks, regret washed over him as he thought about Dean’s class ring, he’d lost it in a move during College.

He sat up and rubbed his lower back, the thin mattress beneath him groaned and creaked, his body was stiff and his breath was foul in his dry mouth. He needed a glass of water...Something. An officer stood outside of his cell, he was thin with moppy brown hair and big eyes, the tag on his shirt read Officer Fitzgerald. He smiled kindly at Cas. “I have to escort you to Interrogation room number 3. We have to be there in five minutes so let’s go,” Cas sighed, standing and padding to the door slowly, his stomach growled, he couldn’t remember the last time he ate, and he didn’t have time to ask for food, as soon as the bars opened Fitzgerald grabbed his arm and tugged him down the halls of the precinct.

“You just wait in here and the doctor will be in to see you in a few minutes,” Officer Fitzgerald held the door open, letting Cas walk through, Cas turned and raised his eyebrow curiously.

“Doctor?” Officer Fitzgerald shut the door, leaving Cas’s question hanging in the air. He sighed and sat down at the metal table, drawing circles into the cool surface before him.

-0-

“Has he said anything?” Victor jumped, turning to his superior, Ellen. She stood behind him, looking over his shoulder into the interrogation room where Castiel Milton sat. Victor shook his head.

“No. He refuses to recant. He is adamant that he killed Balthazar and that he ran away.” Ellen nodded.

“Any family come to see him? Anyone that could coax the truth out of him?”

“Sam Winchester, Dean’s younger brother came to see him, but none of his actual family has come to see him. Apparently the older brother feels that Castiel has gone too far off the deep end. He refuses to see him and demands his siblings do the same.” Ellen’s eyes widened in shock.

“They’re disowning him?” Victor looked back into the interrogation room. Castiel was still drawing lazily on the desk, shoulders slumped forward, head down.

“They have a good name and a good reputation in the community. Castiel had already tarnished it when he started dating the local mechanic’s son. Now with this, Michael said he was done with Dean Winchester and all the drama. He’s glad Castiel is safe but wants nothing more to do with him.”

“Damn….Poor boy has nothing to hold on to but Dean huh?” Victor opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

“That may actually be very true.” Victor and Ellen turned at the sound of the thick southern accent. A man came walking towards them with blonde hair and blue eyes. He smiled kindly, extending his hand as he neared. “Doctor Benjamin Lafite. I gave Dean Winchester his psych evaluations when he was imprisoned. I was called here to evaluate Castiel?” Ellen nodded, relief washing over her.

“Thank you for coming. This is Detective Victor Henriksen,” Victor nodded, shaking the southerner’s hand. Ellen leaned back against the glass, facing away from Castiel, who couldn't see them if he wanted too. “What can you tell us about Dean Winchester? Before you evaluate Castiel.” Doctor Lafite scratched the back of his neck, sighing, lines of worry creased his forehead.

“Dean Winchester is a...complicated individual. I’ve never seen someone so damaged as that boy,” he turned and watched Castiel through the glass as he spoke, “Dean’s father was an abusive man. His relationship with his father was...detached to say the least. They did not get along well and the father, son bond that usually begins in infancy was shattered between them. But not before it had left a mark on Dean...Now when Dean’s mother died he was forced to grow up and assume a father like role for his little brother Sam. He did not get the love and affection he was required to give to Sam and he craved it. Searched for it in others for years. It’s not uncommon with people who have bad relationships with their parents. But then you bring in Castiel,” he licked his lips, clearing his throat.

“Castiel came from a wealthy family. A prestigious family and chose to spend his time with Dean. He praised Dean, he was affectionate towards him and craved his attention. Dean fed off that. He looked to Castiel for the love and affection he was not getting from his own father. He felt lucky and grateful, that someone with so much wanted to spend time with him...I believe he even referred to himself as a ‘guter rat’ once during our sessions,” he laughed softly at the memory, “He became more and more dependant on Castiel. His feelings intensified and he started to view Castiel as more than a person. Castiel was a possession, his possession and no one else was allowed to have him...Now Castiel, at the time is young, and believes Dean’s jealousy to be a show of how much he cares. They begin to need each other more, hate being alone and do not find satisfaction outside of one another. Dean even told me one that he used to keep a lock of Castiel’s hair under his pillow. Their relationship was tumultuous and very, very dangerous.” Victor shook his head.

“I don’t understand how-”

“I haven’t finished,” Doctor benjamin raised his hand, cutting off Victor, “Dean Winchester has placed Castiel on a pedestal. When Castiel turned Dean in for murder, he firmly believed he was coerced or forced to turn on him. He had already created this perfect image of Castiel in his mind, Castiel who was so pure and good, Castiel who would never betray him unless he was forced too. Dean held onto this belief for years, he created this illusion that Castiel would come forward and recant or try to save him. He believed Castiel could do no wrong and would never wrong him. But as the years dragged on his illusion started to crack and the obvious loopholes showed. He became angry and often lashed out, telling me he would rather see Castiel dead than with anyone else. In his mind, Castiel was still his, still belonged to him, therefore any person Castiel slept with or had a relationship with outside of him equated to cheating. But it was not Castiel’s fault, it was the person Castiel was with. If he could blame the other person and be angry with them for ‘stealing’ his Castiel he could keep Castiel on that pedestal. Castiel remained clean and pure, in Dean’s mind. He never thought for a second Castiel would willingly move on.” it got quiet for a moment, they all looked through the glass at Castiel, the man was leaning forward, forehead on the table now, fingers drumming away lazily and foot tapping.

“Is there any way we can use Dean’s obvious weakness to draw him back into custody?” Ellen’s voice was wary as she broke the silence, Doctor Benjamin licked his lips, gesturing to Castiel.

“Besides Sam, Castiel is the only person Dean Winchester cares deeply enough for to rescue. He has a hero complex and feels the need to save those he loves from danger, whether they want to be saved or not...I think,” he paused for effect, “I think if you were to put this in the media, that Castiel confessed and is being tried for manslaughter, Dean would come. He would come running to save Castiel. Because if Castiel were to go down for murder, the illusion of him being a perfect angel would be gone. And Dean has invested too much time and energy into making this perfect Castiel in his mind, so he would do anything to keep it from collapsing. Even turning himself in.”

“Call Chuck Shurley, we’ll hold a press conference at five. I want Castiel’s name in headlines, front page news, we’re going to lure Dean in...Let’s just pray to God he takes the bait.”

-0-

The door opened and Castiel lifted his head. He’d been sitting in the little room for a long time. A small headache emerged from the bright fluorescent lighting and he was very hungry. The man that walked in looked like a lawyer, he wore a suit and had a file with him. He smiled at Castiel and sat down across from him, setting the file on the table and folding his hands over it.

“Hello Castiel. My Name is Doctor Benjamin. But you can call me Benny.” Cas lifted his chin disdainfully. He didn’t need to be evaluated. He confessed. Just throw him in prison and get it the fuck over with. Benny chuckled, a it was a light sound and reached his eyes. Castiel didn’t like it. It made him uneasy. “Relax Cas I’m not gonna hurt you.” he opened the file he brought and pulled out a pen.

“Castiel.” Cas spat disgusted. Benny looked up.

“Pardon?”

“Only my friends call me Cas. I don’t know you. So I’m Castiel.” Benny nodded, relieved Castiel seemed at least, a little, willing to talk.

“Your friends? Like, like Dean?” Castiel stiffened, he swallowed hard, adam’s apple bobbing. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. Blue eyes cold and distant.

“I don’t know where Dean is. I haven’t seen him. Look I don’t see why I need to talk to you I confessed. I did it okay. I killed my boyfriend. Why isn’t that enough for you people?”

“Because Balthazar was shot in cold blood at point blank range...Forgive me but, you don’t seem like the type who can do that and let it sit easily for a couple days before turning yourself in….You don’t seem that heartless.” Castiel narrowed his eyes.

“Fuck you.”

“Tell me about these last few days. Why’d you run away?”

“I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“Do you really need to ask?” Benny shrugged, waiting for Castiel to continue. Cas sighed and shifted uncomfortably. it was like this man could see right through him. He didn’t like that. “I was scared of Dean…”

“Really?”

“Yes,” Cas snapped. He didn’t like this man’s condescending tone, anger began to rise within him, his ears turned a light pink, “You know I killed another man while I was running...He tried to attack me in an alley. I bashed his fucking head in,” Benny’s smile instantly fell. Cas felt a jolt of smug pride. he leaned forward, eyes narrowed, “And I liked it. I liked the feeling it gave me Benny. You want me to describe that to you?” Benny straightened up, jotting something down. When he looked back up at Cas his eyes were even.

“And you didn’t see Dean the entire time you were running?” Cas’s face faltered, it was a quick, a passing reflex of muscle, but Benny caught it.

“No. I didn’t see him.” Benny nodded, closing the file and standing.

“I think we’re done for now. Thank you.” Benny stood up, turning his back to Cas. His tone had been clipped and short, like he knew something Cas didn’t.

He felt desperate. He wanted so badly for them to believe he was bad. That’s why Dean didn’t want him right? No. Dean didn’t want him because he was too good. He was too clean and too well refined. His lips twitched, eyes darting around the small room. Anxiety and fear rising within him. He couldn’t take it. If Dean wanted him to be bad, he would be terrible. If Dean wanted him dirty and tainted he would be fucking _filthy._

It happened so fast no one had time to register it. Cas snapped.

One moment Castiel was sitting nervous at the table, the next he was attacking Benny, shoving him to the ground, hands wrapped around his throat, he felt a shiver of thrill rush through him. Benny bucked and kicked, trying to claw Castiel off of him, Cas only pressed harder, watching with fascination as red lines began to dance around Benny’s eyes and they began to dim. He was coughing and sputtering before Cas felt a sharp blow to the back of his head. He blacked out.

-0-

Dean was lounging around comfortably. He always felt good after a kill. Relieved, every tense muscle in his body evened out. He turned on the television in the motel room, hoping to catch some raunchy porn. Instead he jerked up into a sitting position, fear washing voer him in waves.

“Castiel Milton has confessed to the murder of Balthazar Roche. He has also confessed to another murder as well as having attacked the psychiatrist who came to evaluate him. Doctor Benjamin Lafite was leaving the interrogation room when Mr. Milton lunged at him, knocking him to the floor and incapacitating him. Dr. Lafite is still in the hospital, no word on his condition for now. Chief Harvelle! What can you say for Mr. Milton? Did he do it?” the picture panned out to a pretty blonde woman standing at a podium. Dean watched her with narrowed eyes as she leaned down towards the microphone, her lips brushing over it as she spoke.

“All I can say is Mr Milton has shown increasing agitation and aggression towards not only the other officers but anyone trying to help him. It’s no secret his ex boyfriend escaped from prison and we believe fear and anxiety of him are playing a major component in Mr. Milton’s breakdown. we’ll be transferring him to St. Jude’s Psychiatric hospital until the trial. At that time he will be evaluated again for competence to stand trial.”

Dean shut the television off in shock. Cas had lost it again, just like in the alley. He shivered, removing that memory from his current state of mind, it still made him sick. _Go to him_. His heart longed and his mind agreed, but he shook his head. He didn’t know what to do. If Castiel confessed to protect him, he would hate himself even more. If he did it just so he could go to jail, well, Dean wouldn’t be able to deal with that either. He made his decision.

“Excuse me? There a phone I can use?” He ran to the manager’s office of the hotel he was staying at. The manager sat behind the desk reading a copy of ‘busty asain beauties.’ Without looking up he pointed to a phone on the desk next to him. Dean nodded his thanks and hurried over to it, hoping the old fool hadn’t changed his phone number.

He picked up on the second ring, “hello?” Dean was flooded with relief.

  
“Bobby. It’s me. Cas is in trouble. I need your help.”


End file.
